Baby workout

I am very skeptical of all the developmental toys for kids. It seems that the Baby Einstein company has a vested interest in convincing me that Saul will not be able to pass kindergarten unless we spend hundreds of dollars on their bright bits of plastic and language-delaying videos.

That said, we are very interested in making sure that Saul is stimulated and happy. So after much online research, we bought him a baby gym. It has been a complete success. As long as he's in there, he bats at the toys and coos to himself and kicks his legs around and grins.


Who knew that complete happiness could be purchased for $69.99 at Babies R Us?

Not yet

I read that it is normal to miss being pregnant after a baby is born. Today, I looked at the last picture taken of me before Saul was born (the day before) and all I thought was "how did I manage to stay upright?" I'm so glad I'm not pregnant anymore.

My eyes hurt

Yesterday, we had Sebastian put to sleep. He has had escalating aggression issues since he was 18 months old. It had gotten to the point where he was a serious danger to our neighbors. We tried everything we could think of. We even put him on anti-anxiety medicines. As a last ditch effort, we paid for a consultation with a well-known dog trainer/behaviorist. He told us that we needed to put him down and then offered us our money back. None of that made it any easier, and I still feel guilty.

Yesterday, Sebastian and I played with his favorite squeaky toy, doggie news. Then we went to the park and splashed in the creek. On the way home, he stuck his head out the window and I stopped at McDonalds and bought him some fries and two cheeseburgers. B came home early from work and we all spent some time together. Then we took him to the vet.

He died with his head in B's lap and with both of us petting him.

Other people saw a dog who would plaster himself against our front door growling and barking if a kid on a bicycle went by, a dog who had bitten people and drawn blood, a dog who had to be locked away whenever we had visitors. But to me and B, and a small, select group of trusted people, he was an incredibly sweet dog. He just wanted to sit and stare adoringly into your eyes and shake hands over and over again.

I'm totally at a loss. Sebastian has been my companion for almost seven years; my entire adult life. I have cried so much that my eyelids are rubbed raw. I miss him so much. The last thing I said to him was "I'm so sorry."

October

An entire October's worth of pictures. Except not really, because those 281 pictures are less than half of the total taken...

Contrast

It's such a contrast - the screaming baby we see most evenings and the calm, laid-back baby we see the rest of the time.

Swing

Around the corner from us, there is a house that has a heavy cover of trees and bushes in the front and can't be easily seen from the street. Behind the bushes, there is a swing set. The man who lives in the house like to swing and sing out loud to whatever he's listening to on his headphones. The first time I saw it, I thought it was kind of funny. The second time I started to wonder. Now, I have seen him many times. He has been out there at least a couple times a week for the almost two years we have lived here.

I used to think he was weird, but now I'm kind of jealous. Swinging is fun. If I had a swing set in my yard, I think I would join him.

Flaws

Patience has never been one of my strong suits, but I never realized just how lacking I was until now. Saul is a little bit colicky. He frequently spends a few hours each evening screaming. I don't mean crying. It starts as crying and then quickly moves to panicked, red-faced, all-out screaming. When he's like this, nothing can soothe him for more than a few minutes at a time. It's terrible to feel helpless to make him feel better, and to feel annoyed and angry at the same time because the sound of an infant screaming is possibly the most grating sound on the face of the earth. The first time he did this, I rocked him and sobbed myself for a good half hour before B came and rescued me. I'm a little better now, but B is the only one who can handle it effectively. He has this magical ability to stay calm when I have long since become upset to the point that my being in the room upsets the baby more.

Right now, Saul is peacefully sleeping in his car carrier on the table next to me. He throws his arms above his head and makes little sounds and sticks his tongue in and out. He's so beautiful that I want to cry when I look at him. Right now, it's hard to imagine his fits. But I dread this evening when he will get fussy again. I try to tell myself that I am dealing with post-partum hormone adjustments and a very serious lack of sleep, and that I would be able to be much more patient otherwise. But I'm secretly afraid that I don't have the qualities necessary to be a good mother. If I get this upset over a helpless, crying baby, how will I handle a cranky toddler? Or a sarcastic teenager?

B tells me that I just have to be the person I need to be. But how do you change overnight? How can you magically gain qualities that you have always lacked?

Hair

My mom says that Saul's hair sticks up every which way because it's going to be curly. I say it's because he's on his way to becoming a crazy mad scientist.

Time?

So remember last week how I thought I would have more time once all our visitors went home and things calmed down? Um, was I crazy? So now I am the sole caretaker of Saul all day long. And all night long, since B is lacking the equipment to feed him. I had no idea that taking care of a baby was so time consuming. I'm not sure how someone who sleeps about 15 hours a day (except when he's on a 48-hour screaming marathon) can need so much attention.

So I really haven't had time to blog. Or do laundry. Or wash dishes. Or shower.

Although I did find time to dress him up like a member of Devo. You gotta have priorities.

All nighter

Both of us have been pretty much up for more than 24 hours. One of us is handling it much better than the other.