11.29.2007

Conflicted

I've never given much thought to the so-called "mommy wars" until now. I always assumed that I would continue working. I enjoy my job, I enjoy my financial independence, and I enjoy interacting with my co-workers. I also want to be an example. I want Saul to see that I have a college education and that I use it. This will become even more important if I ever have a daughter. Right now, I'm going a little bit stir crazy at home. As much as I love spending time with Saul, I'm bored out of my mind. I crave adult conversation and I'm looking forward to jumping back into my work in a few weeks.

However.

The thought of leaving Saul all day with strangers is horrifying to me. It seemed natural before he was born, but now I imagine him upset and crying and I know that the daycare workers can only provide so much one on one care for him. I am completely wracked with guilt at the thought of leaving him with people who don't love him while I skip off to work for my own self-fulfillment.

But the fact is, I don't want to stay home. Not only can we not afford it, but I think I would end up unhappy and resentful if I did, and that isn't good for Saul either.

I am frustrated that there are no ideal solutions. To have both a career and a family means that I can't give my all to either one. I had no idea how much this would tear me in two.

2 comments:

Rebecka said...

Send him to me and I will watch him for you!

Laura said...

I 100% understand and agree with you. I think in a perfect world the ideal solution would be working part time and being able to afford the lives we are used to. that would be perfect. But I miss Laney more than anything all day long. Maybe we can bring them with us to sit and do spreadsheets :). I miss you up here though. It will be alright, I promise.