I think I'm usually a pretty easygoing person, but I have been amazed at my capacity for anger over the last few days. I am furious at my dad, who will not even acknowledge his dead grandson because of his made-up grudges. I am angry at all the people who have made insensitive comments like "it's better this way - there was probably something wrong with him" and "it was God's will" as if God sits up in heaven deciding whose babies he will kill today. If I believed in God, I would be furious at him too. I even find myself feeling irrationally angry when I see all the happy pregnant women, or women with new babies that hang out at the store downstairs.

I want to run, or do something similar to exhaust all my anger, but I am still not physically able or allowed to do anything high impact. B, who somehow always knows exactly what I need, took me to Academy to get a bathing suit, cap, and goggles, and then got me a one day pass to his fancy-schmancy gym last Saturday. I spent a half-hour on the elliptical trainer, and then a half-hour swimming laps. When I finished, I felt okay for the first time since this whole nightmare began. But it only lasted for about a day until all the anger and frustration and sheer helplessness began building up again. I don't want to pay for a gym membership right now, especially since I'm starting a twice-a-week yoga class soon (also thanks to B, of course), but I think I will probably give in soon.

If anything good comes out of this, it will probably be that I will be in the best shape of my life after a couple months of this.

1 comment:

Tamara said...

That (the God's will comfort
method) is so wrong and not comforting.
So very, very, wrong.

When will we ever learn that
silence, holding space, holding
a hand, holding each other, are
so much more powerful than empty