Best of

I have an email subscription to something called "Campus Watch" that is put out by the University of Texas police department. They just sent their top ten list of 2006, reproduced below. It reminds me daily why I'm glad I'm not in college.

Number 10

Suspicious Activity: Coca-Cola syrup was observed oozing out from under an unplugged coke machine. An unknown caped crusader wrote, "Holy nauseating discharges, Batman! Have unplugged machine." The unknown subject identified himself as The Boy Wonder. Occurred on: 11-26-06, at 4:02 PM.


Number 9

Public Intoxication: A non-UT subject was observed falling down on two occasions while carrying a pizza box. The subject stated he was “body slamming” the pizza box. The subject stated he was not sure how much he had to drink, as he stopped counting after his 4th beer. The subject was found to be under the influence of an alcoholic beverage to the point he was a physical endangerment to himself – not to mention the defenseless pizza box. Occurred on 02-27-06 at 2:24 AM.

Number 8

Public Intoxication: A non-UT subject, who was under the age of 21, was reported as having run through a reserved suite into the suite’s restroom to begin the most expeditious method of removing alcoholic beverages form one’s stomach. The subject was found on the restroom floor hugging her new found porcelain friend. The subject was not aware of her surroundings or the location of her shoes. The subject needed assistance with standing and walking. The subject was found to be under the influence of an alcoholic beverage to the point she was a physical endangerment to herself. Occurred on 03-31-06 at 8:38 PM.


Number 7

Driving While Intoxicated: A UT student was stopped after being observed stopping at four different intersections with flashing yellow lights, speeding and finally running a red light. During an investigation for driving while intoxicated, the student complained her contact lens fell out. The student looked on the ground picked-up a piece of broken auto glass and started to “put it in her eye” as if it were her contact lens. The student was found to be under the influence of an alcoholic beverage to the point she had been driving while intoxicated. Occurred on 03-24-06 at 3:40 AM.

Number 6

Criminal Trespass Warning: A non-UT subject refused to leave the building after getting into an argument with a UT student inside the T.V. lounge. When stopped by the police officer, the subject stated that she hated all Texans and would pray for a flood. In addition to other law enforcement actions taken, the subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning and escorted from the area. Much to her chagrin, Troy Kimmel's weather forecast for today is sunshine and 89 degrees. Occurred on 5-11-06, at 7:26 PM.

Number 5

Burglary: Two UT students and a non-UT subject were observed climbing over the outfield fence carrying 1st, 2nd and 3rd base. Two additional unknown subjects watched as their teammates were thrown out while stealing bases and being detained by the police. The unknown teammates were last seen running home. UTPD wins 3 to 2. Occurred on: 5-21-06, at 4:15 AM.

Number 4

Disorderly Conduct: A UT staff member observed an unknown subject inside a restricted area located on the 4th floor. When the unknown subject saw the staff member he raised a one-finger salute. When asked by the staff member if he was employed or enrolled at UT, the unknown subject said, "No." When the subject was told to leave the area, the unknown subject went into a tirade of verbalization that would send a salty seaman home crying. The unknown subject left the area prior to the arrival of the officer. The subject was described as: white male, 6'-05", thin build, stooped posture, and light brown hair. Subject was last seen wearing a dark colored shirt. Occurred on: 9-07-06, at 9:30 PM.

Number 3

Failure to Identify / Attempted Theft: UT police officers responded to
RLM on a reported suspicious person who had stolen a Dr. Pepper on
9-20-06. At the time of the theft the suspect was described as an Asian
female, wearing a pink shirt and tan pants. When officers arrived, the
owner of the vending cart pointed to an Asian female wearing a pink
shirt and tan pants. The owner stated that the female had attempted to
take a package of "Goldfish" crackers, and got her hand caught in the
cookie jar. During the investigation, the subject stated that she was a
current UT student, but provided a false name and date of birth. The
officers realized that the subject was not forthcoming with her correct
information; she was asked to repeat her telephone number and could not
remember the number that she had just given. The subject admitted that
she had lied about all of her personal information. The subject was
taken into custody for Failure to Identify and transported to Central
Booking. Occurred on: 9-21-06, at 10:10 AM.

Number 2

Assault on a Police Officer / Assault on a Public Servant / Assault / Public Intoxication: UT police officer responded to a second floor dormitory room on a report of a male subject banging on the door and attempting to gain entry into the room. The officers observed the subject standing in the hallway drinking a beer and talking to the on-call RA. The subject began resisting detention and attempted to leave the area. After being assisted to the ground and handcuffed, the officers discovered that the subject had assaulted the RA by groping personal areas. As the investigation continued the subject began having challenges and yelled that he was being tortured and that the officers were hurting his Miranda rights. Due to the subject's incoherent condition Austin EMS was requested to the scene. Austin EMS stated that the subject should be transported to a local area hospital. As the officers were restraining the subject to a backboard the subject attacked an officer by biting her arm. The subject then spat bloody saliva into the face of an EMT. The subject was transported to a local area hospital. Upon release, officers transported the subject to Central Booking. Occurred on: 12-11-06, at 2:26 AM.

Number 1

Public intoxication: A UT student was discovered passed out on the grassy area next to the Animal Resource Center. The subject was wearing a green leotard outfit with his underwear worn on the outside of his leotards. The subject wore red lip stick to simulate an over sized mouth. The subject had a very strong odor of alcohol on his breath. When the officer attempted to wake him up, the subject rolled over and put a finger to his lips and made a "Shhhhhhh" sound, then rolled back over. During the investigation, the subject appeared to be confused as to where he was or who he was. He explained to the officer that he was a crocodile. The officer observed that the subject was having difficulty standing and maintaining his balance, as well as having difficulty answering questions. The subject was taken into custody for Public Intoxication and transported to Central Booking. Occurred on: 9-16-06, at 1:20 AM.